What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive
Infertility is a common challenge, affecting roughly one in seven couples in the UK. In 2023, over 50,000 individuals underwent in vitro fertilisation (IVF) treatments, where eggs are combined with sperm in a lab and the resulting embryo is implanted in the uterus. Yet, for many, discussing their struggles with friends, family, or colleagues can feel like navigating a minefield of well-intentioned but painful remarks.
Unintended Remarks
For Vicky Levens, 29, from Belfast, the emotional toll of her third miscarriage was compounded by comments at work. Returning to her receptionist job, two managers inadvertently stung her with remarks she found hurtful. One suggested that her early pregnancy stage made the loss easier to bear, while another critiqued her appearance, implying she wasn’t suitable for the role. “I was in shock,” Vicky recalls. “I wish people wouldn’t say that in the moment, because it hurts.”
“I know they’re trying to bring comfort,” she adds, “but when you’re going through the motions, their words feel like an extra burden.”
Cultural and Emotional Pressures
Infertility can be especially hard in cultures where childbearing is seen as a woman’s primary role. Asiya Dawood, 42, from West London, shares that in some South Asian communities, women who delay conception often face relentless judgment. Relatives may question their femininity or blame them for prioritizing careers over marriage. “You’re questioned about being womanly enough,” Asiya explains. “People can be quick to point fingers at the wife for not meeting societal expectations.”
“I didn’t go out, I didn’t have a social life,” she says, describing how she withdrew from loved ones during her struggle.
Taboo Topics and Support Needs
Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, highlights the stigma surrounding infertility. Initially, she hesitated to share her journey with others, fearing embarrassment. “There’s a sense of shame,” she notes, “because your body is supposed to handle this naturally. You feel like you’re failing yourself.”
“It’s important to open up to people about your experiences,” says Joyce Harper, a reproductive science professor at University College London. “The treatment itself is a roller coaster, and those days when you get a period or have an embryo transfer back can be especially tough.”
Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, emphasizes that support varies for each person. “You don’t necessarily need family or regular friends to be your confidants,” she says. “Sometimes, your IVF support team or even strangers can offer the help you need.” She encourages people to ask directly what kind of support the individual requires, rather than assuming.
Meaningful Gestures
Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, offers a contrasting perspective. She credits her parents and husband for providing thoughtful gestures, like flowers for Mother’s Day and restaurant vouchers to help her take a break. “Small signs of support also mean a lot,” she says, such as texts that acknowledge her journey without minimizing her pain.
While not all comments are harmful, the article underscores how even the best intentions can miss the mark. For those navigating infertility, finding the right words—or silence—can make a significant difference in their emotional well-being.
